Sunday, July 6, 2014

3 Not so romantic moves in Nigeria

I recently saw a movie where the protagonist was given one week to prove his undying love for the love of his life. Some of the things he tried were drop dead romantic and some where...well...not that much. I started thinking what would it be like if a guy in Nigeria was faced with this challenge?

Sorry sha, I'm not about to give you seven romantic ideas to prove undying love but I can give you 3 romantic ideas that have the opposite effect.

This is no form of generalisation. I know not everyone is the same so this isn't valid for every woman you might meet but at least you would know enough not to try them anyhow.

1. FLOWERS: I still don't even get this one but there is that smile that comes to the face of a woman when a guy shows up at her door with a bouquet of flowers or even a single rose...at least in the movies anyway. Now I'm not really sure why but it doesn't seem to elicit the same reaction over here. Maybe it's the wrong type of red rose. Maybe we don't have the right glands to find it appealing or maybe you simply would be considered thrifty...The point is over here flowers are just what they are: flowers. They belong in a garden and that's where she wants to see them; not in your hands.

2. ROSE PETALS, RED SHEETS, SCENTED CANDLES: This one should have been romantic but thanks to nollywood you can kiss it goodbye. Imagine getting to a girl's house and finding an open door with rose petals on the floor leading to a semi dark area just around the corner. Once in the first thing you notice is her lying down on a bed with red sheets surrounded by scented candles...well?
I asked a few people and one word kept coming up and I think you have the word in your head by now: RITUALS. Some guys might argue that they won't be bothered and maybe they won't but I just think if you don't want her running back and screaming "he wants to use me for blood money", I suggest you on your gen.

3. THE NIGHT DRIVE:
So those Americans down south grab a truck full of Beer, drive to the country side and park in a nice remote spot with a good view of either the moon or the town...sometimes both and they have a good time. Oya wake up. Try that rubbish here and you will be lucky not to fall into police hands. If that wasn't deterrent enough, which kind mumu country side wey get remote spot no go be armed robber hideout?  There might be a few exceptions but the general rule...especially with the current security challenges we face is not to be in funny places in the day talk more of in the night. Besides if the girl has any sense at all...she no go gree follow you.

Which others come to your mind?

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

10 Nigerian stress killers

Hey people, ever had a day where it just seemed like ever thing was just too much? A day when you wish you could just disappear for a while. Then you realise you can't and it makes you bitter and irritable. Then when bimbo says you are annoying you begin to wonder if she knows you or has just been handing around Musa for too long.

The truth is at some point we all get stressed out. More so in our beloved naija.  The holdup.  The annoying oga or that annoying landlord. House rent matters plus school fees and a 5 month old kid who's hobby is either 'how much can I poop' or 'how loud can I cry'. Don't even get me started on nepa and very annoying neighbours. Or that mechanic that messed with your car and now it's making that funny sound....See? You know what I'm saying. This is our life and how can we not be stressed?

So I made a list of 10 tips that have helped me and decided to share. So grab a chair and read.

1. READ: Face it. As long as you're reading this article you unconsciously put down most of your cares for a while. I start with this because it's easily accessible and really the cheapest tip I have used. After a hard day, just as you hit the bed your mind plays your day all over and most times you start thinking of things and then you don't sleep well. Get something to read. Anything that isn't serious. I usually log on to nairaland and browse through the jokes and romance section and usually find a lot to laugh about. Some people read about sports. Others read novels. The point is reading helps relax your brain. (As long as it isn't school or work related anyway). If that doesn't work, don't worry. I've got 9 more up my sleeve.

2. WALK: Say you get home and nepa has done it again. You know how your shoulders just go down and you suddenly feel even more tired than you already felt. Take a shower and wear something loose and casual. Step outside and take a small stroll. This is especially good for couples. Get your wife outside the house and this time not to go to the market or pick the kids. You don't even have to walk far. Mallams shop is a good enough distance. Look around if you're alone and you could even listen to music. You might find out that some things about your neighbourhood you normally wouldn't notice. Enjoy the view. Suya smoke. Fish sellers setting up. Barbers and salons with their smoking gens and those annoying bikes that think the road is theirs. Once immersed in this chaos you'll be lost in it and your mind leaves the days worries behind. At least for a while. Greet malam for me o.

3. TALK: Look one thing you will always find readily available is talkers. They are in your office, in your school, in your area and even in your church. I live in abuja. Kubwa to be precise and once in a while I just go outside to talk aimlessly. It's not a habit. Just a way to relive stress. You'll always find talking points. From telemundo to premier league.  From kids to apc vs pdp. A plus with this is that you get to meet new people. Try to stay away from loud music tho.  That doesn't help in anyway...except you're an avid clubber in which case you wouldn't need to be reading this.

4. PLAY: This might not work for a lot of people but it is a big stress killer. You can even do it once a week and still get stellar results. Find a sport, ride a bike, go swimming...ok fine...go and watch people play a sport or do something you're to lazy to do. Stress makes us feel old. Play does the opposite. Strike a balance today and see how fulfilling it could be. This is one of my favorites.

5. SLEEP: All I've written is fine and dandy but look, nothing beats Saturday sleep. Forget about everything. The house won't fall down before 12pm.  Sleep very well at least one Saturday in a month. Don't worry about that wedding...you can arrive at the reception late. This one doesn't need much explanation....don't wake up early on Saturday.

6. THE CHICKEN REPUBLIC/MR. BIGGS FACTOR: Some people might frown at this but me I no send. Grab your phone one evening or during the weekend and walk into an eatery. Buy one meatpie and a drink and sit down with either a book or your phone. You are guaranteed at least 1 hour of peace and air conditioning while you idly chat or read or browse or do whatever it is you want to do. Increase the fun buy adding a friend. Remember this is to link stress...so guys don't invite that babe you are toasting unless it's a date. I do this a lot. It's cheaper than you think and just as much fun and you can imagine...In abuja the air conditioning is a big boost which makes this my second favourite.

7. WRITE: Some sharp people would figure from this particular point that this article serves as a stress reducing agent for me and the would be right. Most people would tell you they can't write and I am not Oprah that will tell you you can. If you can't write then you can't write. Which makes this even better because now there is no pressure. Grab a notepad or a diary or your phone. Write down your thoughts....as they come in any order they come. Trust me you'll be surprised at what you manage to produce and some of you may find out that maybe Oprah was right after all.

8. Movie/Karaoke Night: Yeah...you know na. This one is simple. I prefer me and my headphones in the toilet singing like I'm in maybe idols West Africa. ..what ever works for you sha....It kills stress like a boring person kills basket mouths show.

9. BUILD/FIX SOMETHING: For my dad it's usually his car. As far as he is concerned there is always something wrong with it. It allows you discover talents. Doesn't have to be a big thing. Eniola does free make up for her neighbours and mike try to sew some crazy designs I will never buy. I like to fix my annoying generator. Between that diy I printed online and what I've been watching that mechanic do I usually get a good grip. Point is do something with your hands that isn't a chore or your daily work. Here are a few tips: rearrange your furniture. Fix that bad tap. Clean the back of your television (you know there is dust there)...doesn't have to be a big thing but it helps if it takes at least and hour and makes you sweat. Combine that with good music or good jist and stress just died. Charlie Boy must attend this funeral too....

10. ROMMA ROMMA: Yes we all need some of that. Gaan figure it out on your own.